Bad Bios

For the greater part of its existence, OtherSpace had an application system for new characters. The Meeting of '06 reinstated mandatory biographies for characters. It is only fitting that one of the most-loved side effect of the bio requirement should be brought back to light here on the Wiki. For help on writing a quality biography, check out Writing a biography.

Hence the Bad Bios. These are actual character applications that have been submitted to the staff during Otherspace's old application system, singled out and made public for the sheer amount of mind-boggling they've caused. Let them serve as amusement and the guiding light that, however much you may fret about your own ability to write biographies, you will never fall so low as these.

''Note: As a result of Penumbra's Roaming Cavalcade of Mysteries, some bad bios actually managed to get approved years later, albeit somewhat cleaned up and played by staffers. For example, PlanetMan was a Human with disfiguring planet-like lumps, and Clauton, playing on the mention of "slime" in the description, appeared as a female Yoridini. Duncan was a somewhat delusional elderly human.''

blackicerage
deathsythe Race: Nall 	Great name for a Nall - if you're a twink. Occupation: Mercenary Goals: my career goal is to make sure people know my name and fear it. Consider your goal achieved. Values: I don't trust anybody. I only look out for myself. I do what I think needs to be done. And who could blame him, what with the addiction and the dead wife, right? But, humor us and tell us the rest of that story. Childhood: I had a very poor childhood. Mother died while giving birth. Dad had a severe drug addiction and beat me every other day. Life Experience: My best friend was murdered in front of my eyes. I was beaten so badly I was in a coma for three months. Background: I lead a secret life no one knows anything about me. I do not like to talk about my life. Who killed the friend? Who beat you so badly? Dad!? Holy criminey! Regarding your background, that's fortunate for OtherSpace, because we won't approve an app from someone who doesn't tell us about their character's life, secret or otherwise. Description: You see a tall male with pitch black hair and blood tips that hang down to his shoulders. His eyes are fire orange. He wears a black leather trenchcoach, black tee shirt that are tucked into his loose fitting black leather pants which go over his charcoal black boots. Your description is amazing, considering that Nall are roughly four feet tall, reptiloid, and hairless.

[edit] Duncan MacAlister Race: Human 	There can be only NONE! Occupation: Bounty Hunter Goals: To be able to someday lose his immortality and die in peace. Values: For the most part Duncan only looks out for himself. He seems very standoffish and unapproachable but thats only to those who don't know him. He follows a strict code of Highland loyalty and honour that he ridgedly keeps himself to. Childhood: Duncan was born in the country of Scotland on the planet Earth in the year 1345 A.D. He is an ageless immortal that found out at the young age of 14 he was chosen to be eternal guardian and protector of the human race. Life Experience: When the Earth was bombed Duncan lost his wife Indira. With that he secluded himself where no one could find him; neglecting his duty to protect the human race in their most desperate time of need. It wasn't until his best friend Aaron found him that he was able to get over his grief and reenter society. Background: Born in the year 1345 A.D. in Scotland. At 14 years of age was told by an old gypsy that he was chosen by God to be the eternal guardian of mankind. Lost his wife when Earth was bombed. Went into seclusion for two years. Now lives in Sancutary. Description: You see a gaunt looking man of about 5 foot 7 inches. He has jet black hair and dark brown eyes. His face is extreamly defined and he wears a small gotee on his chin. He is wearing all black. Black slacks, a black collarless button up shirt, and a long leather trenchcoat. The leather boots he wears have seen a lot of action. [edit] Pinzar Race: Zangali Occupation: Spy Goals: to be the best spy in the world. Values: my motorbike,my picture of my mum,my teddy and my knife. Well, I was with this guy up until he hit Values, and its goes downhill from there. Values are *not* valuables. Know the difference. Childhood: Not very happy at all.All my friends hated me.I was barely fed which made me a very mad and short tempered. Zangali haven't been on Mars for a couple of centuries now, so, presumably, your childhood would have been on Grimlahd. Share some details as to why your friends hated you (By the way, they aren't friends if they hate you, for future reference). Also, why were you barely fed? Not only would this make you mad and short-tempered (this is redundant, by the way, for future reference), but also it would most likely make you emaciated and near dead. Life Experience: I was three years old my mum had a baby and i really liked it and then one day she went running of and somehow got murdered. Observe as the grammar-conscious application reader's eyebrows inch upward. Is it the case that the applicant's "mum" had a baby when he was three and the applicant enjoyed the experience of childbirth or that he enjoyed the gender-neutral results of the birthing process? And mom went running off and got murdered? Why? By whom? What happened to the baby (or your enjoyment of the birthing process)? Where's dad!? Background: Was very non-intelligent angry alot and had a short temper. Yes, but what about Pinzar? Tell us about him. Description: You see a very good looking man with his body full of muscles and short spikey hair.He has milky white eyes and a cute smile. And here the entire facade of theme-awareness collapses like a house of cards. Zangali aren't men at all. They're big lizards with spines on top of their heads. They aren't good looking to anybody but other Zangali. And it's hard to have a cute smile when your mouth is full of fangs and you don't brush much, for future reference.

[edit] Zizu Race: Sivadian Occupation: Vanguard Military (Sanctuary Only) Goals: To be the strongest man in the universe. What's wrong: I recommend lots of exercising. And carrots. Values: Muscles. What's wrong: Urfkgar, is that you? Childhood: He used to be the strongest in the hood and he beat upall the children in his town. But now Zizu is a bit nicer than that. Now Zizu only beats up a few kids. This is a picture from my childhood

,      ,              /`              \ \___   / |  The hidden   /- _  `-/  ' evil ! (/\/ \ \  /\             / /   | `    \             O O   ) /    | `-^--'`<    '            (_.)  _  )   /             `.___/`    /               `-' /  <.     __ / __   \  <|====O)))==) \) /==== <'   `--' `.__,' \                \       /           ______( (_  / \______         ,'  ,-'  (         \         `--{__________)        \/

What's wrong: Now, let me just take a moment to say that as dreadful as this bio is, it certainly has more artistic effort in it than most terrible bios. Apparently, Zizu is a rare Sivadian Devil Smurf. Life Experience: Zizu has bulging muscles all around his body, If anyone tries to mess with him then this is you after his crossbow treatment !

/^\      <---/___\--<<<           )×.×(           ( o ) _____| |_____     /     \_/     \

What's wrong: Again, points for the clever ASCII art. To quote Deveraeux: "Nice hat." Background: When he was only 10 years old he went to a military camp and had to fight many beasts! After that he came home from that his parents had died because their village had been attacked by some evil creatures!And since he had no home he had to live in a little house with some strangers and he had to work really hard for a little piece of bread and some water! But after a few years he was offered to come and live in another military camp and there he have lived until now when he decided to go out on some new adventures!!! What's wrong: Huh. Description: You see a tall Sivadian with dark blue eyes and long dark hair! You can see his bulging muscles under his cloak decorated with diamonds! This is not a Creature you want to mess with!! What's wrong: I am reminded of a line in the movie Stripes: "Lighten up, Francis."

[edit] Gaal-hanan Race: Mystic Occupation: Seer Goals: He would like to find his parents killer. Values: Not much. Childhood: His parents was killed when he was 5 years old. He was found by a couple of seers. They took care of him. Life Experience: Quite boring the fist ten years. His teachers died when he was eleven. He once won a psychic-contest. Background: He's trying to join an army to space. He must get thet murderer. No mercy. What's wrong? The name isn't too Mystic-al. And it's highly unlikely a Mystic would come from the Solar Consortium at all, let alone Earth, given the xenophobic tendencies of the anti-alien government (before it went plasma-boom, of course). Let's see, beyond that we have the stereotypical "parents killed, character out for vengeance" crutch biography. But the true tragedy is that, apparently, this Mystic is a death magnet. Not only did his parents get whacked, but his teachers did too. Now, maybe I'm just being paranoid here, but does Gaal-hanan have an alibi...? Description: Grey hair. Green eyes. 25 years old. Has a cope. What's wrong? Short. Incomplete. Sentences. Not. Much. Sense. What. Is. A. Cope? [edit] Styx Race: Human Occupation: Priest Goals: get money get power Values: money, power. Childhood: I dont know that mutsh about this mush but here gose..: born on lunar, moved to earth at age 10 with parents. Life Experience: parents died at age 12. adopded by MangoChart at age 13. Background: wi wa 	What's wrong? Well, starting with the name...almost everything. Styx is just silly. He's a human from the Solar Consortium, but he lives on Luna. He wants to be a priest, but he values money and power. And did we really need to be told he didn't "know that mutsh about this mush?" Pretty apparent. Wow! His parents died! How novel! Adopted by MangoChutney?! And what the sweet rolling hills of Quaquan does "wi wa" mean? Description: You see a tall human male with dark hair and blue eyes. He wears a charcoal gray jumpsuit, the legs of which are tucked into scuffed black leather boots. What's wrong? Actually, the description shows much more promise than the bio. Ya know why? BECAUSE IT'S LIFTED STRAIGHT FROM THE EXAMPLE ON THE CHARACTER APPLICATION! [edit] Clauton Race: Human Goals: to let peace rool. What's wrong? Nothing. Really. It's the most promising bio we've ever seen. Really. Seriously, though: to let peace rool!? Values: live and let live. Childhood: it was not the best time in my life it was harsh and i am now glad to be part of the police force gust like my dad ho dide when i was 13. Life Experience: the deth of dad was not the easest time in my life but i got over it. Background: has never left earth but all was wanted to but never given the chance. got through school with low grades buy maed it all in the same. Description: tall slime with green eyes that follow you around the room he wears a black suit and a hat but his shoos do not mach his outfit thay are blue with ssp on them. What's wrong? Tall slime with green eyes...hooookay!

[edit] Ladoons Race: Human Goals: Revenge, yet he barely saw the man's face he was sworn to find him ( no matter where he has to go , how he's going to get there , or what he has to do ), he will find him!!!! What's wrong? Ah, revenge. The oldest, the easiest, and one of the least satisfying character motivators. What's so bad about it, you ask? Well, either one day you accomplish the goal and where do you go from there, or you never do, and what was the point? Values: The sword of his dad that he used before he passed away which his mom has holding until Ladoons was old enough ( which he always carries ). Next: Under values, he lists his father's sword. I don't think we asked for *valuables*. Values are not material things. Values are morals. Beliefs. Childhood: A family of 3, is a single child. His dad died when he was very young ( almost 3 years old ) in a battle. His mom still is alive but sith a terrible virus, yet he hasn't seen her ever since he left ( at 19 years old ). Under childhood, it'd be nice to know something more about the battle his dad died in. And what's all this about a virus for Mom? Life Experience: When he was a young man ( 17 years old )he experienced his first wound, showing him how the pain is. This taught him a great lesson of the pain that it takes. Now he is taking risks to the extreme, somethings unamginable. Under life experience: How did he get this first wound? Background: Now 23 years old, Ladoons seeks revenge on the man who murderd his father. At age 18 he was trained to be a warrior, and mastered with the sword. Now seeks new journeys that he would risk his own life for. Under background: Suddenly, Dad didn't die in battle, he was MURDERED! *GASP!* Let's pick a beat. Description: He is a fairly tall ( 6 feet, 10 inches ) with brownish-black hair and pitch black eyes. Usualy wares all black ( short sleaved t-shirt, long baggy pance which practacly cover his black leather boots ). What's wrong? Pitch black eyes? Like - totally pitch black? No whites? How the dickens did that happen and why wasn't it explained in the background? The second sentence is 17 words long. Nearly a third of them are misspelled. You find em! :) It isn't *required* to be able to spell perfectly, but show some attention to detail. It'll pay off later. [edit] Shmallar Race: Castori 	 Goals: scientist/assasin 	What's wrong? Well...alarms immediately begin to wail when a tranquil Castori is being pitched as an assassin. It's just not really in their nature to be that way. Background: Have a grudge against any human for killing father and mother in fusion x-5 holocaust. 	What's wrong? The fusion x-5 WHAT? READ THE THEME OVERVIEW, AT LEAST, BEFORE SUBMITTING A NEW CHARACTER. Description: Short, medium strength can do many tricks with the small tentacles for fingers. 	What's wrong? Uh....TENTACLES!? [edit] UnR3aL Race: Centauran 	What's wrong? Again, we see a KewlD00D-ish naming convention. Just not the sort of thing we accept. Goals: To become a more experienced person, and to get as many friends as possible! =) Background: There is little known about this man, just that he is a freedom fighter... What's wrong? The selected race is "Centauran," which according to our files is a psionic crystalline jellyfish. But the background indicates he's a "man." And a freedom fighter. Granted, the general public may know little about this man, but the staff needs to know a lot more than this. If you plan to be a freedom fighter, it would help to tell us whose freedom you're fighting for (besides your own, obviously). Description: Nothing out of the ordinary, but pretty cute. What's wrong? The description tells us nothing. Descriptions as submitted by applicants are what we use to cut and paste your appearance. When someone looks at you, they should see something better than this. First of all, if you choose to play a crystalline jellyfish, that's out of the ordinary. Second, don't assume you look "pretty cute" to everyone. What's "cute" to you may be "hideous" to someone else. Telling people what to think of you in your description is a form of powergaming, which is frowned upon.

[edit] Godfather Race: Human 	What's wrong? The name is hackneyed. Unoriginal. Boring. Goals: To earn as much money as possible through the honerable career of pimping ho's. What's wrong? It's a goal, sure. It's unlikely, however, that he's going to find "ho's" to pimp on OtherSpace. We're just not that kind of place. Background: He was born. At the early age of 17 he was adopted by some local pimps who thought he had 'potential.' He was then trained in the art of pimping ho's which he took with him when he left the 'Pimping Institute', or that's what he liked to call it anyways. At 19 he had his own Pimping business and had quite a few ho's. He wasn't making much money but he was making enough to get along. He never gave up and now at 22 he's one of the richest Pimps out there! What's wrong? Wow. Well, yeah, suspension of disbelief is necessary for a space fantasy, but the thought that ANYONE would adopt a 17-year-old (and consider that an "early age") stretches the bounds of credibility beyond recovery. And what exactly IS the "art of pimping ho's"? Is there a DeVry Institute for that? This background tells us nothing except we have a hormonal teen who wants to play a pimp. No thanks. Description: Your eyes fall upon a genuine P-I-M-P. He's dressed in various clothing, bright and dark colors, mostly purple. He has a vest on which dangles off of him, showing his tatooed chest. Atop his head is a beautiful purple hat with a pink feather attached to the side. In his right hand he carries a small cane. The smile on his face never leaves as he strides along...his sparkling white teeth showing. What's wrong with the description? Guess. [edit] Gentle Race: Centauran 	Centaurans don't have mothers or fathers. They have a single asexual parent. It's not likely you'd be named Gentle. They have very long, nearly unpronounceable names that can be shortened - but don't tend to sound like words you'd normally hear in English. Childhood: I was little and use to play with my friend. Then my father, Genry, told me that I was to grow up. Of all people, I was to grow up! Little did I know what he had planed for me and what he would do. To this day I regret runing away from my fater ,because I was to take over the family buisness. Your significant event lacks any real substance. You "ran away from home," or drifted away, as the case of a hovering crystalline jellyish may be, but you don't explain WHY you left home. Centaurans don't tend to be stuck up as it is - just incredibly curious. They also don't tend to be too materialistic. It's not so important for them to make money. Significant Event: The time that I ran from my father was the time that I fell is significant in my life. First, I fell that it helped me to become my own person and not become someone who is stuck up or anything. Second, I fefeel, however, that I lost alot that I could now use today. I feel this is significant enough. Values: I have many values. For one, I like people no matter who they are as long as they dont make me mad or upset me. I also happen to be very kind hearted and a passafist, so for people who do get me mad, if i do get upset then you dont have to worry because more then likly I willforgive you! His values are...values, at least. Bottom line seems to be you like people, even if they use you as a doormat. Goal: My goal in life is to A. Restore my life with my father B. To become famous and C. To elp everyone that needs it. His three-part goal is, at least, a goal. But, again, he wouldn't have a father, he probably wouldn't care much about fame. The part about helping folks is all right. Background Story: I come from a rich family that lives in the centauran strong hold. My dad, being a merchant, has helped me to become a merchant as well. He, like I, was poor when he was young, but after w hile he learn how to become successful. Regarding the background story: It's now known as the Centauran Freehold. Families don't tend to be rich or poor. The community shares and cares for its own. Description: Im a poor Centauran 	Description: Where do I start? Tell us what we SEE. We don't know by looking at you how much money is in your bank account. Your description should be some variation on the "crystalline jellyfish" design, with possible addition of a vocalizer. It should be longer than four words, and it should be spellchecked. [edit] Solo Race: Human 	First of all, we don't want applications for characters who have names similar to those of fictional characters from established works - this name is lifted from Han Solo. Don't use it. Goal: his goal is to be the first one to a troubled spot to help. Like when he was 10 he gave his jacet to a old homeless man that was frezzeing to death even though he was cold to. he is planing to always be there when he is needed for any thing at all. If you're using a computer, you probably have access to a spellchecker. Nothing raises questions about your literacy (and thus the likelihood or lack thereof of you fitting into OtherSpace) like typographical errors and grievous misspellings such as: jacet, frezzeing, planing, greef, sneek, orfanich, brocken, reasturant, aloud, waighter, destracted, steeling, enought, humur. Your bio isn't that extensive, and at least 14 words of it shout bad things about you. Values: solo values the lives of every living thing. he has always been the one to take the greef for someone else even if he didn't do it. He has also been the one to help in a time of need. Background: he has always been good at all the flight sims buthe is best at the attack scouts ten anything. As a teen he would sneek out of the orfanich at night to go play the latest sim around. Up till now no one has brocken his record on the ranger sim at home. Childhood: As a child solo was cast out to the streets. Surviving on only his wits and the scraps from a cheap reasturant solo grew up. At the age of 14 he was fond and taken to an orfanich on mars where he has lived out his life. now at he age of 19 he is aloud to leave the orfanich. Significant Event: at the age of 13 he almost was killed as he snuck into the resturant to get some food when the cook had an argument with a waighter. as the to were destracted by themselves he stole some foodhis way out the cook caught him and tryed to kill him for steeling some food but solo was fast enought to get away. Why was he cast out on the streets? Why would a cook try to kill him for stealing food Seems a bit extreme. Description: Tall with bark brown hair, deep blue eyes and a great sense of humur. Broad in the shoulders with a stomach you could iron on, narrow at the hips with long powerful legs. About the description: 1) Don't tell us he has a great sense of humor in the description. Your sense of humor and mine may be totally different. For example, you might laugh at toilet jokes. I might not. Therefore, I might think you have a juvenile sense of humor. Bottom line: In the description, stick to what we can see, rather than things that should develop through RP. 2) "Broad in the shoulders with a stomach you could iron on." Okay, this IS a fantasy environment, but not laughably so. Your guy sounds like The Tick, without the blue suit. (Also, for the record, you can iron on anybody's stomach if they sit still long enough for you to press that hot iron down on their undulating flesh...)

[edit] Grido Childhood: Grido's childhood was a fun one filled with games, friends, and family. He was born into a rich family, but was rasied on the surface of mars. knowing only strength taught ti him by his older brother grido always working out when he had the chance to. His whole family cared for him and so did neighbors. His best friend of 7 years always was good to him. Born wealthy. Check! Murdered parents, creating biographical shortcut and guaranteed inheritance of wealth. Check! Desire for vengeance. Check! Significant Event: At the age of 18 Grido's parents where mudered on a trip away from mars by a race of savage beings. Grido always wanted to have revenge, but never got the chance to. He alway tried to forget what happend to his parents and tried to work hard to make up for his loses in life. Grido always knew he was strong in mind body and soul. Values: Grido has always beileved in the rightness of justice and duty. He believes that only the hardest working people deserve to be in paradise when they leave there little lives, but even the ones who don't work dont deserve to be punished for that. His to main values are Strength and Mind. When it comes to values, he's all for people who work hard and, well, even the slackers get a break! Goal: Grido has no goal in life 	No goal in life. Huh. Why even log this guy on? Background Story: Grido for the moment is having a good time in his life and is prospering with a good cash flow and his job is really paying. Meeting his Girlfriend that left him tragicly help him get through the hard times. Knowing only virtue grido is a good harded person. His girlfriend left him tragically? Look, I'm no Dear Abby, but if Grido here doesn't have a goal and his values are stuck in neutral, I don't consider her departure tragic - maybe she just ran off with a guy with ambition and prospects! Desired title (occupation): club bouncer Description: im a tall blond strong willed human 	As for the description: Once you edit the nonsense from it, you get: "A tall blond human." That's not a description - heck, it doesn't even tell us if he's male, or what he's wearing, or how tall he is. No punctuation either. Always remember that descriptions provide a first impression - spell check!