Urf's Fireside Chat

(The following is a recording sent by Urf to his employment agency. With the exception of a few words such as ‘boss’ and ‘New Luna,’ it is in Zantra. It has been compiled over a period of time and sent in when he felt like it. Since it is Urf we’re talking about, there is the potential for random violence as he talks about his on and off screen activities. For those of you into that sort of thing, I make no promises.)

I met the new boss. I suspect I was hired to impress a female. The motivation softskins gain to relieve their sexual frustration amuses me. The new boss is willing to pay me in the pointless pursuit of this female, trying to stress the new boss's importance to the female. The new boss did not anticipate the female being terrified of me. I do not like being paid to participate in this, but I will fulfill my part until the contract ends.

I am sent away. At first, I stayed near incase I was mistaken of the new boss's motives. No danger presented itself. After six days, I confronted the new boss. I was hired to raise the new boss's standings with the female.

Now, I go train. I check in every hour. This has been inconvenient for the new boss. The new boss has managed to impress the female. I do not think the new boss will renew his contract. I will refuse. It is good to train.

We are on the planet the softskins call New Luna. It resembles old Earth more than old Luna. Always, there is salt taste in the air. The oceans mean the softskin females spend their time in a state of undress. You would like it here. The local male softskins would not be competition. They are predisposed to incompetence and malingering. They lack even your minimal work ethic.

I mostly avoid the softskins here. I see more of the animals in the boonies. The animals here are fond of mind games. I have killed several. The dog would eat them. That would be amusing. You are still feeding her, correct? If not she will eat you soon enough. That would make finding new contracts difficult.

We have gone to the planet of the fuzzballs. It is worse here than on the world the softskins call New Luna. The suns make the days hot. Training is harder. I try to avoid the fuzzballs.

They lost my bag. I got it after six days on this planet. It was sent to Ungstir by way of Mars and Centauri.

I suspect the female. The new boss is not so treacherous.

No change with the new boss and the female. They remain safe.

I check in randomly now at five, eight, fifteen, twenty seven, thirty three, and forty eight minute intervals. I will go see them when the checks fall in the first or third quarter of an hour. The female is not pleased. The female and the new boss have taken to hiding. It amuses me.

My training is going well. On the outside, I can practice in non-urban settings. You should try it. With an entire squad, I would be more effective than alone.

Before you say anything, the benefit would not be large.

Not much has changed since Sanctuary was here. You have been here enough times. The softskins spend their time in the baths. I do not know why they like this planet. It is hot.

(The following is the reply from the employment agency. It’s also in Zantra, but traces of Terran standard linger in the syntax.)

Sorry, Urf, but you wanted a job outside with a quickness. It was the best I could do at the time.

If you still want work outside, I think I can get you a better job when this contract is up. I talked with the new boss, and he confirmed what you told me. I told him if he couldn't keep his piece in line, you might become irked and kill her. No more baggage problems will come up.

I say, keep up your harassment policy. Demonstrates your unique sense of humor nicely.

I was on New Luna. Remember? I went to watch you beat down those poor fools in the boxing matches, but I'm married now. The state of undress would get me into the state of trouble. Pretty good joke in Zantra, correct?

Anyway, Butch is still good. She's taken to eating my metal chairs. I'm surprised they let her on planet even with my finagling skills. My soldiering skills are a bit rusty - even though I did teach you everything you know. Sharpening them seems too much like real work. I think I will stick with getting you jobs and sitting around drinking with the wifey.

Speaking of which, for the next one, what were you looking for? Maybe you could clue me in on why you decided not to renew with the slug at the last second, too.

(The following is Urf’s reply.)

Nothing has changed here. The female is leaving me alone. Your threat seems to have worked.

I will want another outside contract.

The slug boss reneged on payment three times in my presence. I did not want to be the fourth.

You claim killing bosses is bad for business. I think killing bosses could prevent those like the new boss from hiring me.

It would be an advantage for you because you would not have to search for jobs as often. You could spend more time with the female. I could spend more time doing serious work.

The advantage is clear. Clear to me, it will become clear to you once you think.

I have already told the first two times the slug boss broke his word.

The first time involved the small times arms smugglers.

The slug boss claimed the arms smugglers did not bring what was requested. The slug boss refused to pay.

I ended up killing the stupid softskins.

We moved the shipment to the slug boss’s compound. I checked it against the slug boss’s records. The two matched. The smugglers kept their end of the bargain.

The second time the slug boss refused to give the family of his ex-bodyguard their money. The softskin died defending the slug boss.

The slug boss seized all of the assets. The family did not have the credits to make it to the outside. The family were the ones I told you to check on.

The third time was the day before I was to renew my contract. The slug boss was drunk. The slug boss was also doing drugs. I was unable to identify the drugs. The slug boss became more sluggish and drooled on himself.

The slug boss decided to go to the place where softskins sell themselves.

I do not know why the softskins let us in. Had they been smart instead of greedy, the softskins would have kept us out.

The slug boss did not want to pay to enter. The slug boss did not want to pay for me to enter. The slug boss argued. I told him to pay or leave. We would not get in without paying. The door was locked. The slug boss paid. We went inside.

The slug boss selected a female. The two went to a room. I waited outside.

The slug boss came out. The slug boss wanted another female. Another female was sent in. I waited outside.

The slug boss screamed. I kicked the door in. The interior doors are weak, unlike the entrance.

The females had the slug boss pinned to the ground. One female was holding him down. The other female was trying to stab the slug boss with a small knife. The slug boss was losing the struggle.

I killed the two females. I used my dagger.

I checked the hall. Two softskins with cheap projectile pistols were in the hall. I shot them with my assault rifle. I changed magazines.

I checked the hall. I took the slug boss out. The slug boss grabbed the projectile pistols.

The slug boss fired. The slug boss hit a buyer of flesh and a female seller. I do not know the reasoning behind it.

Neither was critically injured. I killed both with my dagger.

One of the security softskins was in the entry room. I killed him with my assault rifle.

The door was locked. I failed to force it. I lacked the explosives needed. An error on my part.

The slug boss tried going back down the hall. I stopped him. The slug boss said the door would not open. The slug boss wanted another female.

I checked the hall. I took the slug boss back into the hall.

I checked three rooms. I found a female. I asked how to open the door. She screamed. The slug boss said something. I could not hear the slug boss.

I told the female to answer me. The female did not. I crushed her feet with the buttstock of my assault rifle. The female continued to scream. I crushed her knees and hands. The female passed out.

The slug boss said there were more.

I checked the hall. I checked another room. I found one of indeterminate sex. A buyer, I think, was also there. The slug boss said something. I ignored him. I asked how the door was opened.

The slug boss shot the being I suspected to be a buyer before I was answered. The other being told me the control room was at the other end of the hall, fifth door, left side. The slug boss shot the second softskin as well.

The slug boss emptied both pistols. The slug boss asked me for a weapon. I ignored him.

I checked the hall. I took the slug boss to the fifth door on the left side.

I asked for the door to be opened. There was no response. I continued to ignore the slug boss. I said open the door. I will not need to kill you. There was no response. I repeated myself in a louder voice. There was no response. I told the slug boss to remain still.

I kicked the door. The door did not give. I began to charge the door. The wall framing the door gave in on the fourth try.

Four security softskins and two sellers of the flesh were in the control room. I used my assault rifle. I killed one in the center of the room. I killed one in the corner to my left. I took a point of domination in that corner.

The two sellers of the flesh were in the corner to my right.

One of the security softskins was in the corner to my left.

The other security softskin was behind a desk in the center of the room.

I killed the softskin to my left.

I moved in the direction of the left hand corner.

The softskin raised his head above the desk. I killed the security softskin.

I checked the two sellers of the flesh and the bodies. I called the slug boss. The slug boss entered. I changed magazines.

I asked how to open the door. The females showed me.

I checked the hall.

I took them and the slug boss. The door was open. The slug boss told the females they were coming.

I checked outside.

We went back to the slug boss’s compound.

The slug boss told me he refused to pay extra. The slug boss did not have to pay. Anyone.

(The following is the response from the employment agency. It is in the same Terran corrupted Zantra as the first.)

That explains some things. Just so you know, they are looking for you. You might have to kill the rest of them if you go back. By my count, you got half already. Maybe. They will not be in any big rush to even the score. They are business softskins. Not marines. If you want, I will try to pay them off.

I checked it out. The reason the two were in the hall at the start was they monitor all the ‘private’ rooms. They sell the vids, too. Turns out to be a hefty hunk of change. You wiping out the security staff is the biggest seller right now. Should ask for a percentage.

Anyway, at least the slug paid your medical bills even if he held onto the gear. I am glad you decided not to renew the contract. He is not much on character - even for a softskin. They are after him, too, and him they might get. Want him more than you.

I will keep an eye on outside jobs. I have an idea to increase your publicity. Should be ready about the time the job with the new boss is over. Should get you some entertaining offers.

(The following is Urf’s reply.)

I do not need to kill any more of those softskins. Fix it if you want and can. If you cannot fix it, I can kill more. The rest will listen.

The last room was a problem.

It would have been simpler if I could destroy equipment.

It would have been simpler if I was not alone.

I could not. I did not know what controlled the door. I was. I have not found anyone worth working with.

It was difficult.

I was shot multiple times. The softskins in the last room should have killed me. They were ill equipment and poorly trained. I killed them.

What publicity?

The last time I heard this from you, you wanted me to fight large Terran animals in a cage. A cage tied above a pit of molten metal. I would wear a shirt sponsoring a company. There were to be large holes in the floor of the cage. I would begin the fight with my hands bound. I told you no. I told you that to bring such ridiculous ideas to me again would be a mistake. I am still on the fuzzballs planet. I have begun to stay with the new boss and the female for longer periods of time. Three’s company is not welcomed. It amuses me.

I suspect we will not be on this planet much longer. I also suspect the new boss and the female will attempt to leave me here. They will not succeed.

The new boss wants to end the contract. I refuse. The new boss should not have hired me. The new boss will tell those like him the same thing. They should not hire me.

You will be clear negotiating the next contract. I will not be used for anyone’s sexual gratification. You will make that clear. Also, make sure I am supplied with the list of items I sent you.

(The following is the reply from the employment agency. It is written in the same style as the earlier responses.)

Right, you are not to be toyed with. I understand. I already have the list ready to go. I apologize, again, for pairing you up with the new boss. The next job will be better. Have you thought about the exciting and lucrative world of bounty hunting?

You would have grossed us over a million credits had you done the fight, and you brought it up. Not me. This new thing is not a publicity stunt like that. Well, it is, but it is more subtle. You will know it when you see it. It also does not involve mutant bears. You do not have to do anything. That is all I can guarantee.

I will keep you posted on the kiss and make up attempts.

Last night, the new boss bought tickets for La Terre, Sivad, Quaquan, and New Luna. All early morning tomorrow. He only has hotel reservations for Quaquan. He’s not quite the secret agent man, but I have to give him credit for trying. I booked you for all four just to be sure he is not trying to use my genius to his advantage. I doubt he is that devious, though.

(Urf’s reply is as follows.)

I have thought about bounty hunting. Capturing someone is simple. The difficulty is in gaining a government’s permission to take someone against their will. Taking a bounty without sanction would be pointless. I would be unable to get off planet to return the captured being to the proper authorities.

I met the new boss and the female at the shuttle port.

The new boss and the female were unhappy to see me. I was not pleased to see the new boss and the female. I tire of this. The new boss has learned.

I told the new boss to speak with you. The new boss wants to end his contract. There is no one to protect the new boss from. The contract will end.

I will watch the new boss until you send me word of the official end to the contract. You will explain to the new boss not to do this again. You will make sure the new boss understands. The new boss will pay for the full contract.

I remain on the fuzzball planet.

(The following is the reply from the employment agency.)

Ok, your contract with the new boss is officially scrapped. Since you are a free agent again, the slug boss wants to hire you at double the previous salary. It is your call. I have a feeling you will say no. Who want to be a millionaire, anyway?

Look, if you want to be a bounty hunter, I can probably run interference with the governments so you can concentrate on doing the leg work. It is your call, though, like it always is.

I am almost ready with the statements. I sent them to you. Read them if you want. Add to them if you want, too. It would be a nice touch. I think. Something in Terran Standard, or I can translate it.

On the outside, you probably will not get as much play as you did inside, but I will make sure no one is using you to make a love connection. It will be a real job.

(The following is Urfkgar's reply.)

I see your publicity. We will see what it gains us.

I am still on the fuzzball planet. I do not have the credits to travel easily. I will wait for directions.

(The following is the reply from the employment agency.)

I'm going to fire Butch. She ate the datapad when me and the wifey knocked it off my desk. I redid the publicity. It's not as smooth sounding as my original draft, but I had to send it in today.

You want Butch? I can send her.

I told you the bank would give you more money than you had. Then, you had to pay them back. It wasn't that you were richer than you thought. That's how banks make money. Interest. I will pay it off for you. You keep telling me no. You're in the hole 26000 grand, though. They will send people eventually.

(The following message was sent by Urfkgar to his employment agency.)

I met with the new boss. So far the new boss seems reasonable for a softskin.

Your publicity seems to have worked. So far.

The new boss has equipment that is satisfactory. Training goes well.

I will admit the new boss is a better fighter than I suspected. For a softskin, the new boss is good. I do not know how skilled the new boss is with weapons. I will assume the new boss is competent for now.

The new boss is trying to learn Zantra.

Butch would not be of value here.

(The following is the reply from the agency.)

Butch isn’t of value anywhere. All he does is eat my stuff. I’d say I’d kill him, but I think he ate my plasma pistol last night.

Good to know he’s trying to learn Zantra. Will be helpful.

If you say he’s good, he probably is. That means he will be harder to protect, though, if he decides he’s good enough to do his own fighting instead of letting you do your job. I should let you do your job, though. You already know what I just told you.

Let me know how the job goes. I will ask him how he likes your work in a week or so.

(Urf sends the following message to his employment agency.)

We went to the soft skin planet of La Terre.

Incompetent bounty hunters tried to capture the new boss.

They attacked in a small space fighter armed with a net. The net did not seem to be attached to the ship. I do not know how they planned on retrieving the new soft skin boss before he could free himself. The net did not pose a problem. They missed.

The new soft skin boss decided to go after them. The new soft skin boss proved to be a more skilled pilot than whoever attacked. He quickly gained a superior position, and I destroyed the other ship.

We went to a soft skin eating place.

There have been no further incidents. I will keep you informed.

The new boss continues to work on becoming coherent in a language spoken by reasonable beings.

(The response from his employment agency is as follows.)

Maybe we should outfit you with a rocket launcher.

Good job nailing the sucker, though. Must have made a wider training program than I realized. Last I heard, you hated gunning on ships.

Anyway, good job keeping the boss alive.