Cowboy Diplomacy

Sir Humphrey visits President Colin Neidermeyer on Earth to arrange for a state visit by Sivad's King Richard... Sir Humphrey is shown into President Neidermeyer's office on the 14th floor. It's a spacious, airy office with lots of floor-to-ceiling windows. One is just being replaced as we speak.

Sir Humphrey removes his top hat and bows formally from the neck. "Mr. Neidermeyer, thank you for seeing me," he intones formally. "My name is Sir Humphrey Holmes, and I come as a representative of His Majesty King Richard of Sivad."

The president walks around his desk, tugging on his tie, and then smirks at Sir Humphrey. "King, eh? That job pay pretty good, Humpy? Can I call ya Humpy?" He gestures at a free chair on this side of the president's desk. "Sit down, kick up your feet, sit a spell."

Sir Humphrey wary of diplomatic protocol and the broken window currently being replaced, Sir Humphrey silently decides that Humpy will do just fine. He takes the offered seat and says, "Thank you, Mr. Neidermeyer."

Neidermeyer walks around to take his own seat. His shoes crunch on bits of broken glass on the way. He slides open a drawer, plucks a cigar from it, then offers it to Humphrey. "Smoke?"

Sir Humphrey glances at the offered cigar, then shakes his head. "No, thank you, sir," he replies politely.

Snickering, the president shrugs, then cuts the cigar, lights it, and tucks it into his mouth. He kicks his feet up on the desk, braces his fingers behind his head, and leans back in his chair. "No s***. A king? That is some pretty amazing s***. I should be a king. How'd you get that set up?"

Sir Humphrey replies piously, "His Majesty's father saw that the Kretonian occupation had reduced Sivad to a shambles and decided that strong leadership was needed. Since then, Sivad has enjoyed 150 years of prosperity."

Neidermeyer lifts his eyebrows. He plucks the cigar from his mouth and exhales smoke. "Kretonian occupation, huh? Funny - we kicked their hairless gray asses all over the Sol System, but I don't remember them makin' it to Sivad." He shrugs. "Not that we really give a s*** what you folks do out your way or anything."

"I remember them," replies Sir Humphrey levelly. "Until the liberation, I worked in one of their forced labour camps. It seems that certain elements of history are different between your world and my own, sir."

"Huh," Neidermeyer grunts. He pokes the cigar back into his mouth, shrugs again. "Whatever. So, what's on your mind?"

Sir Humphrey doesn't seem particularly interested in debating the finer points of history either. "His Majesty will shortly be embarking upon a royal tour and will be visiting the Sol System within the next week. He has asked me to explore the possibility of visiting Earth."

Neidermeyer scratches his chin. "Really? Slumming, is he?"

Sir Humphrey smiles a tight, cold smile. "His Majesty's first destination will be Ungstir, sir," he replies. "In fact, His Majesty has only been on the throne for three months now and he has yet to make any state visits abroad. He will be visiting many destinations, and he would like to make Earth one of them."

Neidermeyer tilts his head slightly, eyes narrowing, brows knitting. "Ungstir." He swings his feet down off the desk, thumping them on the floor, then pulls the cigar from his mouth. "Your high and mighty king would rather give preference to a bunch of f***ing mobsters instead of paying proper respect to Earth? f*** YOUR KING! Tell him to shove his f***ing crown right on up his blowhole! Earth doesn't come second to those Molotov fairies!"

Sir Humphrey is a little bit shaken but remains calm. "Indeed not, Mr. Neidermeyer. Second chronologically, but only because His Majesty's Government has certain diplomatic obligations to the planet of Ungstir. The eyes of Sivad are on Earth at this moment. His Majesty's interest lies with Earth. Earth may not be the first stop, Mr. Neidermeyer, but I can assure you that it will be the most interesting for His Majesty's subjects and His Majesty himself."

"Diplomatic obligations, my ass!" Neidermeyer glowers, tucking the cigar back in his mouth. "You powdered dandies stop off on Ungstir, give Lord Molotov a blowjob, then you come here looking for sloppy seconds?" He grimaces, then jerks a thumb at the window. "I oughta toss your ass out. Right here. Right now." He slides a legal pad and a writing stylus across the desk. "Go ahead and write a note to tie around your neck. Something like: 'Maybe we should go to Earth first, Your Majesty.' I'll make sure your remains get back to him. How's that sound?"

Sir Humphrey grits his teeth. "Mr. Neidermeyer, there are certain facts of which you may not be aware. You are surrounded by enemies. You are not going to be able to keep them away just by throwing alien visitors into work camps. Someday very soon somebody is going to become rather angry at you, Mr. Neidermeyer. His Majesty's interest in visiting you is a gift, Mr. Neidermeyer, because I can assure you that there's no other head of state in the galaxy of his stature or power who is going to come within lightyears of your office." Passion flares in Sir Humphrey's eyes. "His Majesty is a great man. If you snub him now, if you kill one of his humble servants, then not only will he say nothing when the alien hoardes lead the charge against your world, he will likely lead them. So here's a note for you, Mr. Neidermeyer. A couple of words I learned in the work camps on Sivad while I was growing up to be a "powdered dandy."" He takes the legal pad and scrawls two words across it: "f*** YOU."

The president picks up the pad, reads the two words. At first, he's scowling, and then he just breaks out laughing. "Well, hot damn, Humpy, you ain't just a bunch of pomp and poofery! You've got spunk! I like that." He winks, then sets the pad on the desk. "If the king's got half your cajones - well, I suppose I'll like him too." He grins, then exhales smoke.

Sir Humphrey bites his lip, trying to calm down. He sloowly sits down again and takes a deep breath. "His Majesty's Government will require certain assurances," he says quietly.

Neidermeyer waves his hand dismissively. "f*** that. We aren't gonna hurt your king or any of his representatives. I was just givin' you a hard time."

Sir Humphrey pauses, then nods quickly. "Well, I think you now understand how His Majesty's Government will react if His Majesty does not return from Earth," he says. "I would suggest Wednesday as the date for His Majesty's visit."

Neidermeyer smirks. "Works for me, Humpy." He stands, extending a hand. "You know the way out."

Sir Humphrey shakes Neidermeyer's hand. "Thank you, Mr. Neidermeyer," he says formally and he bows from the neck once again.

Neidermeyer nods, then pokes the cigar back in his mouth.

Sir Humphrey places his hat on his head and turns toward the door.